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Entry 1.1
I don't know what day it is anymore. They told me it was Thursday night but why should I trust what they tell me. They gave me this little book and a pencil that wasn't sharpened how I like it. The monotone voice over the intercom said that I should use it to write down my 'feelings'. Then she said that they would be back in the morning to pick it up. I'd have to leave it by the door with the pencil and then back away from it, of course. They ain't dumb enough to come in and ask me for it.

Stupid idea. Why should I tell some fuckin intercom voice my feelings. So she can put more pills in the cup I get in the morning? Fuck that. They ain't gonna read this shit. I'll fucking tear it up and swallow it all if I have to. But they were right about one thing. I have to talk to something. I could talk to myself in my mind but when things get fuzzy I forget my train of thought.

I don't understand why they take someone they think is crazy and then lock them away for 23 hours of the day, and the only hour I get of 'freedom' is penned in behind layers of metal for half an hour of fresh air before they take me to the room where they try to 'talk' to me. Fuck them. I don't have to tell them shit. But shit man...with nothing else? All I can hear is the voices they tell me to ignore. Go away, she tells me to tell them. Don't worry about it. Well how about she fuckin try to tell something to go away when you can't even fucking see it most of the time? Fuck this this is bullshit.


Entry 1.2
New guards just changed in the hallway, so it must be around midnight by now. They peak into my window when they come and before they leave. They used to laugh. They used to make fun. They don't do that shit anymore after I got one of them in a headlock and almost choked him to death. Probably wouldn't have been good. Think I got some extra time and extra pills for that. What did that bitch call it? Oh yeah...an episode of maladaptive behavior. That's what people call shit when they don't understand the concept of survival of the fittest.

They gave me my night time pills. I took them. I only did because all I want to do is fucking sleep. The pills keep it away. They are fucking right about that at least. The pills keep it away but lately they ain't doing so good. I tried to sleep. It's dark in here 'cept for the light coming through my little window. You can still see things in the dark though. Hear more things too. That's how it starts.

When it's dead silent, and you can hear static. Most people just stop listening to it. Call it white noise. But I listen to it harder. And when all you can hear is that, after a little while, it starts to make sense. Then the voices start. You know when you're tuning a radio, and something is jumbled and far off, but when you get to the right station it's clear? That's how they sound. Mixed up and far away but then something tunes my dial and it's clear as if someone is talking into my ear. Just a whisper. Right behind me. Nothings there though. Never is.

I started hearin them when I was a kid. Ten or something. I didn't tell nobody about it though. They didn't bother me. I thought maybe it was Lukas talking to me but he said no. They said my name. Liam. Over and over. Then when I started to get older they said other things. They started to try to give me advice. Do this Liam. Do that Liam. I'm real, Liam. Those were the ones that I knew weren't right.

Doctor bitch in here says that there's a line people like me cross. When you start hearing the voices, and then when you actually start believing that their real. I remember the day I crossed that fucking line.

....

I don't want to fucking talk about that.


Entry 1.3
I fucking shouldn't have fallen asleep. I fucking knew I wasn't safe. Now I'm sweating all over and my heart is beating too fast. I should call for help but what the fuck would that do? I lay down. I closed my eyes. I fell asleep. Then the voices came. It woke me up. I told them to go away like that bitch said I should. They laughed at me. Then they started to form into one voice. That's worse than a lot of them, cause it's louder and it sounds closer. Radio dial gets tuned right. And then the next step happened and fucking hell I can't stop it. I say it's not real but it's THERE. It's fucking THERE and I can see it so it IS real. I feel it. When I close my eyes it creeps in the darkness and gets closer. Fucking game of red light green light. I try to keep my eyes open so it stays it's distance. But they always fall close again, and this time it was in bed with me. The shadow. I don't know what it is. It's dark. It's shaky looking and I think I could probably put my hand through it. I don't want to try.

It tells me to do shit more than all the other voices do. It tells me that it will take the blame for things. I know it won't cause no one else can see it. It tells me about things I've held before. Knives. Guns. The power of my fist. It makes me remember how those things felt and then it tells me what I can do with them. The longer it talks the harder it is to make it stop.

The only thing that makes it stop is Lukas. If the pills can't keep it away, what am I going to do in here without him? I have to say his name. Loud. Then my eyes open and I sit up and it's gone and I can remember my one job in this whole fucking existence. Protect him.


Entry 1.4
I'm five minutes older than Lukas. Mama said it was hard giving birth to us because the labor was long. I told her it's because I had to wait until Lukas was ready. He was scared. He didn't want to leave. I told him it was okay, that I would go first. So I did. Then he came and it was okay.

Mama said that I would always hold his hand everywhere we went so he wouldn't get lost. She said it's because I was so much bigger and Lukas was little. Scared. But not when I was there.

When we were five she took us shopping and Lukas got lost because I let go of his hand to go get a box of cereal I wanted. I ran back to the cart and I couldn't find him. I remember what that felt like all those years ago. I ran up and down every damn aisle looking for him. I found him hiding behind a display of candy. He was crying. He said "Don't do that Liam" and I promised I would never let go again. I promised.

When we were ten my Dad left us. Mama was sad. I was happy. He hurt her. He hurt me. But I wouldn't let him hurt Lukas. She looked at me that day. She kneeled down and put her hands on my shoulders and she said "Liam, you're the man now, okay? You have to protect your brother. He needs you." I nodded. She didn't have to tell me that. I already knew it. I was already doing it. Protect him forever.

I lied when I said I never told anybody about the voices. I told Lukas. I could trust him. He said that I should go to the doctor and I said no, they'd take me away or something. Lukas didn't like that thought so he said he would help me. I didn't think he could. He said "Just think of me when they start talking."  You know what? It worked. Until I crossed the line.

.....

It was the day I was sentenced. We were 21. Lukas had only made it through high school because of me. People tried to hurt him because he was small and liked boys instead of girls. No one laid a finger on him. Lukas was going to college then and I was working odd jobs. I was doing stupid things. I take what I want no matter what anybody says. That's how I learned to do things. That's what my Dad had said to us. Should've known better than to listen to him. But the voices...

The judge said that day that I was guilty. That I needed to go to jail and that I needed to come to this psychiatric prison for most of my sentence. It only hit me when I heard the cry behind me. It was the same cry I had heard from the little lost boy in the grocery store. I turned around and I saw those eyes filled with nothing but pain. I had broken my promise. I was never going to leave him. I was always going to protect him. How could I now? They started to come towards me with handcuffs. I tried to reach out for Lukas and they stopped me.

That...was when the voices became real.

It took six guards to control me. I had lost. They were carrying me away and a piece of me lay dead inside of that courtroom.

Ever since then the pieces continue to fall. There's a few scattered around this cell. It takes one from me every time it gets close enough. What looks so strong is so delicate, right?

I don't know how many pieces I have left to lose before I can't put myself back together again.


Entry 1.5
Dear Lukas. Please don't hate me. I'm trying. I'm taking my pills. They aren't enough. It's sitting on the other side of the room. It's watching me. I can see it right now. It sits very still but sometimes it lifts it's arm up and points a finger at me. It wants me to sleep so it can get close again. It's hungry for more. I can hear it, Lukas. In my ear like it was behind me. It says you hate me. It says you'll never love me again. It says you don't need me anymore. It says that it will be my only comfort.

I can't live like that, Lukie. Is it lying to me? You never lie to me. Please help me. Please make the white noise come back. Please give me someone to talk to so it goes away.

I love you Lukie. I need you. Did Mama tell you to protect me too? She whispered something to you that day after she talked to me. You never would tell me what she said.

Entry 1.6
The guards are changing again. It's morning. It doesn't like the light. I need to get rid of this. They don't get to read it. They don't get to know that they're right. That I'm coming undone. Frantic tic toc tic toc.

Stop writing. They're coming. Put the book and pencil by the door. I love you Lukie. You'll never know how much.
Submitted to :iconthewrittenrevolution:
First submission to the club! This piece is about an OC I created named Liam Johansen. It is written from his perspective during a stay in a maximum security psychiatric hospital. He is not a model member of the human race. The stay in this hospital is part of a three year jail sentence. Liam has a fraternal twin brother named Lukas. If you would like more info on Liam, please note me!

As for specific feedback, I would be very interested to know how you are left feeling about this character at the end of the story. While none would consider him a 'good' person, I was hoping to still be able to show a glimpse at the remainder of his humanity. Thank you all!

---------------
I wrote this this morning to go along with Vaughn's picture .

I wanted to write this last night before I went to sleep, but I knew I had to get up early so I thought I'd just wait. Then I woke up at 3am and couldn't stop thinking about it. Probably should have just gotten up XD

The idea started out as writing something for Vance but turned into this. Enjoy <3
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:icontomasfourhorns:
tomasfourhorns Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Holy shit, man! This is epic work right here. I have a character named Roscoe who would get along with yours. Just can't wrap my mind around how to draw/write about him.
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:iconliamjohansen:
LiamJohansen Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2011
Thank you so much!!
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:icontomasfourhorns:
tomasfourhorns Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
No problem!
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:iconhellsmagician:
HellsMagician Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2011  Hobbyist
I love how you built up an atmosphere and the more you read the more and more we discover about the character and the feelings he’s going through. Excellent writing :la:*faved*
:P
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:iconliamjohansen:
LiamJohansen Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2011
Thank you :heart:
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:iconhellsmagician:
HellsMagician Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2011  Hobbyist
no problem <3
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:iconphoenix-lady:
phoenix-lady Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2010
I found this a couple of days ago and I've been trying to think of the words that would convey what I felt when I was reading this. Alas (puts hand to forehead) I have been unable to. This felt very real, and heartfelt. I've followed your and Vergilsparda666's work for a while ago but don't think I've commented before (is ashamed!), but felt like this needed a comment. Liam is one of my favourite characters that you have created. This portrayed the tough, as fuck yet really protective and caring man I saw in the art.
Please write more for him because Liam is a fascinating person.
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:iconliamjohansen:
LiamJohansen Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2010
Thank you very much for the compliment :heart:
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:iconphoenix-lady:
phoenix-lady Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2010
You're welcome! :D
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:iconheichi-chan849:
Heichi-chan849 Featured By Owner Aug 24, 2010
Ok you actually made me start to cry a little with this. I will get teary eyed at some stories but close to crying takes a lot. Wonderfully written.
And, maybe just because I'm an odd person, I do believe Liam is a good human being. The fact he takes care of Lukas so well kind of out-weights most of the bad things he does. He sees shit and hears voices, that doesn't necessarily make him a bad person.
Now go write a book and become famous dammit >< And if you don't I'll come to your house and bug the living shit out of you until you do :dummy:
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:iconliamjohansen:
LiamJohansen Featured By Owner Aug 25, 2010
Wow, thank you SO much for such an amazing comment :heart :heart :heart: I will attempt to become famous XDDD
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:iconheichi-chan849:
Heichi-chan849 Featured By Owner Aug 25, 2010
You're welcome ^-^ and Im sure I speak for everyone who commented that we'll all be racing each other to be the first to buy any books you write :giggle:
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:icongangrelhottie:
Gangrelhottie Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2010  Hobbyist Artist
you are really showing me some amazing things Liam way to go
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:iconliamjohansen:
LiamJohansen Featured By Owner Aug 8, 2010
Thanks :)
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:icongangrelhottie:
Gangrelhottie Featured By Owner Aug 8, 2010  Hobbyist Artist
your welcome sweety
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:iconciimoore:
CiiMoore Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2010  Student General Artist
This reminds me of when I had been on meds that made me think I was seeing a zombie monkey on my laundry basket.

._.
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:iconliamjohansen:
LiamJohansen Featured By Owner Aug 8, 2010
:(
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:iconciimoore:
CiiMoore Featured By Owner Aug 8, 2010  Student General Artist
Yeah, don't like medications.
Other then that, I really like the way you wrote this piece.
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:iconciimoore:
CiiMoore Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2010  Student General Artist
oh and btw I love this so much. Gah...lack of sleep is making me retarded. Sorry.

You should write more entries, and stories like this. I really enjoy your work.
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:iconthemaideninblack:
TheMaidenInBlack Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2010
:iconthewrittenrevolution:

This is damn wicked, and impressive. :clap:
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:iconliamjohansen:
LiamJohansen Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2010
Thank you so much!! <3
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:iconmiserylavey:
miseryLaVey Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2010   General Artist
:iconthewrittenrevolution:

Wow...this was just SO good that I don't know what to say :) Certainly this looks like an idea perfect for further developing - I seriously think you could make a longer story out of it, it's just so suggestive, the narration shows Liam's personality so well - the mixture of fear, anger, resentment, it's all there and it's really well-written. Also, I think you succeeded in making the main character very conflicted, dangerous - and still the reader just cannot NOT feel some sort of sympathy for him. Great job! :)
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:iconliamjohansen:
LiamJohansen Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2010
Thank you for your comment!! I'm very glad you liked the story. I'm pretty sure I will be expanding on this in the future.
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:iconfasiafloho3:
Fasiafloho3 Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2010
:iconthewrittenrevolution:

I like the emotions I get from this... panic, the urge to pace. I'm a little confused about how I feel about Liam. I think he's one of those people who can see the life they could have had, and crave it, but still let themselves fall away from it. He's weak. I once had a dream of my own brother hugging me, saying he would always need me, and that was when I realized how insecure I was. So for me, this was his weakest moment.

"It says you don't need me anymore."
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:iconliamjohansen:
LiamJohansen Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2010
Yes, Liam is completely self-destructive but he can't help it, and I think that's where a lot of people want to give him sympathy. He doesn't know how to fix himself, but won't listen to anyone who can help him. Thank you for the comment!
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:iconpatchwork-poet:
Patchwork-Poet Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2010
:iconthewrittenrevolution:
First off, this was nothing less than amazing. I LOVED it!

I can't really see what you mean about Liam not being considered a 'good' person. Maybe a little more detail into why he was put in prison?

On another note, I absolutely love Liam. He seems like he's trying to act tough, and like he doesn't need help with anything, but at the same time he's filled with this confusion and fear that makes me want to protect or defend him.

I love the fact that even from where he's at, and with all the crap going on in his mind, he still worries over his brother. It adds more dimension to his character. The little insights into his life before the psychiatric prison really add depth to the story.

The short scene where he loses control in the courtroom, coupled with the first part of the next scene, oh my goodness.
"The judge said that day that I was guilty. That I needed to go to jail and that I needed to come to this psychiatric prison for most of my sentence. It only hit me when I heard the cry behind me. It was the same cry I had heard from the little lost boy in the grocery store. I turned around and I saw those eyes filled with nothing but pain. I had broken my promise. I was never going to leave him. I was always going to protect him. How could I now? They started to come towards me with handcuffs. I tried to reach out for Lukas and they stopped me.

That...was when the voices became real.

It took six guards to control me. I had lost. They were carrying me away and a piece of me lay dead inside of that courtroom.

Ever since then the pieces continue to fall. There's a few scattered around this cell. It takes one from me every time it gets close enough. What looks so strong is so delicate, right?

I don't know how many pieces I have left to lose before I can't put myself back together again.


Entry 1.5
Dear Lukas. Please don't hate me. I'm trying. I'm taking my pills. They aren't enough. It's sitting on the other side of the room. It's watching me. I can see it right now. It sits very still but sometimes it lifts it's arm up and points a finger at me. It wants me to sleep so it can get close again. It's hungry for more. I can hear it, Lukas. In my ear like it was behind me. It says you hate me. It says you'll never love me again. It says you don't need me anymore. It says that it will be my only comfort."

Nice. You have very descriptive imagery throughout the entire thing, but this part really grabbed me. This was probably the part where I most wanted to hug Liam. The sheer brokenness he's feeling really hits you as you read it.

I am looking forward to reading more of your work. Absolutely brilliant.
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:iconliamjohansen:
LiamJohansen Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2010
Thank you so much for your generous comment <3 Liam has a very self destructive personality. He can't help do the things that he does even if his mind tells him it will end terribly. His sentence was for rape. He pleaded not guilty, defending himself by saying that there was a lot of alcohol involved on both sides but of course no one believed him over the woman except for Lukas. Lukas is one of the only people alive that really understands Liam depth and want to be a 'good' guy.

I believe I'll be adding more to this story, perhaps with a perspective from Lukas :)
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:iconaquagirl7:
aquagirl7 Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2010   Writer
disturbing yet stunning! i love the transitions between both sides of the speaker (speakers)

very well written :)
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:iconliamjohansen:
LiamJohansen Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2010
Thank you!!
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:iconaquagirl7:
aquagirl7 Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2010   Writer
your welcome :)
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:iconcalmgreen:
calmgreen Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2010  Hobbyist Photographer
:iconthewrittenrevolution:

I have to agree with DarkGern above: many readers would consider Liam a good person, or at least not 'bad'. I imagine most readers would want to come to his defence - I think this is usually the case in first person stories.

I enjoyed reading this piece. You've created an authentic atmosphere and it's all very polished.
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:iconliamjohansen:
LiamJohansen Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2010
Thank you for your comment.

I love that this leaves you feeling like you want to come to his defense, as in his mind it would be the last thing he'd want outwardly from anyone. Of course, his inner self is always ultimately seeking acceptance. He appears as a man who has little depth of character, when in reality he's the exact opposite. He says he likes things that way, but inwardly he doesn't...he's just one big contradiction. Very fun to play around with from my point of view.
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:icondarkgern:
DarkGern Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2010
:iconthewrittenrevolution:

Wow! Good portrayal of the progression of the characters state of mind.

Your question almost seems to be coming from the wrong direction. I see a good person, with good motivations, who is sick and has violent tendencies as a result. But then, perhaps a little more detail on how he came to be sentenced to such a place...
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:iconliamjohansen:
LiamJohansen Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2010
Thanks for the comment!

Liam was put on trial for an accusation of rape. He pleaded not guilty, and from his point of view he never was guilty. He has a very animalistic personality but his argument was there was a lot of alcohol involved. This of course did not hold up for him, and coupled with his explosive anger issues he was found guilty.

But I'm glad that he can be seen from the other end of the spectrum; really from the viewpoint that he would see himself. He tries to be a good person, but his lack of mental stability keeps him from ever truly reaching a point where society as a whole would see him as such. I always end up feeling sorry for him, even if pity is the last thing he would want from anyone.
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:icondarkgern:
DarkGern Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2010
Ah, thank you for the background.

Yes, he is a very tragic persona. It will be interesting to see where his journey takes him. And Lukas, as well...
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:iconb14k3:
b14k3 Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2009   General Artist
I bloody love this.
It's amazing.

Write a book and I'll buy it. Then dig through your trash for manuscripts for the second one or something. 8D
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:iconliamjohansen:
LiamJohansen Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2009
omg, THANK YOU!! That just made my morning....:)<3
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:iconb14k3:
b14k3 Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2009   General Artist
Yay! 8D <3
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:iconsssk76:
sssk76 Featured By Owner Oct 25, 2009  Professional General Artist
That was a great dark short!!! Part of it reminded me of the Dexter series.
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:iconliamjohansen:
LiamJohansen Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2009
Awesome, thank you!! <3
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:iconsssk76:
sssk76 Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2009  Professional General Artist
My pleasure..
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:iconchaoharte:
Chaoharte Featured By Owner Oct 25, 2009  Student
I'm absolutely stunned. Aww man, I just want to give him a big hug!

My mind went wild with images at the courtroom memory. So much pain and shock and sorrow. And So much fear in Liam's voice...

:tighthug:
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:iconliamjohansen:
LiamJohansen Featured By Owner Oct 25, 2009
Thank you! <3 <3

I think I'll go back further and elaborate more on Liam's past. Otherwise no one understands exactly why he is so...well...fucked up XD
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:iconchaoharte:
Chaoharte Featured By Owner Oct 26, 2009  Student
Well I'm avidly awaiting more. I love Liam desperately for some God only knows reason.
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:iconliamjohansen:
LiamJohansen Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2009
Is it his crazy smile? XDD
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:iconchaoharte:
Chaoharte Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2009  Student
He's cute to be sure and that smile makes me hard in lower places BUT, I think it's his delicate and fragile mind that is almost that of a little boy's that really tugs at my heart strings.
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:iconliamjohansen:
LiamJohansen Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2009
Oh Liam...XDDD
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:iconchaoharte:
Chaoharte Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2009  Student
^_^U He makes me want to cuddle him and take care of him and not let anyone hurt him.
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:iconliamjohansen:
LiamJohansen Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2009
Then perhaps this weekend I will post some more Liam for you :)
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(1 Reply)
:iconbarsinister:
BarSinister Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2009
I am exhausted, But I love this, it was great ^^ And yeah those muses that eat at your sleep are evil but so nice in the end when you can write it all out lol. But now I'm going to pass out I'll comment on your pics later ~yawn
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